Depression is setting in

I spent the entire day on the couch today, but I still feel exhausted. The allergy attack that I had this morning didn’t help – the medication I took to counteract it made me even more tired and the allergies themselves made my right eye all itchy and bloodshot and gross-looking. I don’t feel like eating real food, or any food, really. I’ve eaten two bowls of cereal today and had boxed mac and cheese for lunch that mostly just gave me heartburn. Vegetables sound completely unappealing. If we had ice cream, I’d eat that… but I don’t feel up to going out for it and I don’t feel right asking P to do it (again – I already sent him out for some yesterday, but it’s gone). We have frozen pizza, but I don’t even want that; I want greasy, yummy real pizza, but I don’t feel like paying for it.

I’m dreading tomorrow. DREADING. N doesn’t go to school on Fridays and I don’t have anything close to enough energy to keep up with her all day by myself. She’s in the process of dropping her nap, and on Monday (my last day alone with her), I spent the whole afternoon desperately trying to make her nap because I so needed the break. I’m almost certain that she won’t nap tomorrow (Fridays are usually worse than Mondays for that purpose), and I just.can’t.do.it. All she wants to do is run and play, which is exactly what she should want to do as a nearly-three-year-old, and I feel like a horrible parent because I seriously want no part of it right now. I can’t walk, squat, or sit on the floor with her, all because of the baby head engaged in my pelvis and the never-ending backache from my giant belly. I just want to sleep until the baby comes. Especially because I can’t sleep at night anymore, so when I don’t get to rest during the day, I just plain don’t get to rest, period.

I can’t stop crying. It hits me at random moments and I’m just… overcome. I’m so, so miserable. I just want our baby to come out so that I can feel better, get to know him, and enjoy spending time with my husband and daughter again. Please, please, please let me go into labor tonight so that I don’t have to face the long day tomorrow…

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